JOKE TIME!!!!

[bubbaschili]

ok ladies and germs things getting a little wierd around here so let me tell ya a joke to lighten the mood.....
guy walks into a bar...at the end of the bar is a mayonaise jar full of 20 dollar bills...guy says..whats the deal with the money?? bartender says...you do 3 tasks i give you and you get all the money. you dont hear the tasks until you put in the money and you cant pull your money out after you hear the tasks.
dude puts in 20 dollars..........what do i do?
1 drink a gallon of tequiela without batting a eye
2. mean ole pit bull out back with a bad tooth..pull the tooth with your bear hands.
3. my 90 year old granny is upstairs and has never been satisfied by a man....you got to get that job done.
guy says to the bartender......let me think on this a spell.

he anounces to the bar ......give me that tequila.....the bar erupts with claps and horrays.
he guzzles the whole gallon down ......didn't blink a eye.
he wipes his mouth and says.........where is that stupid dog.
bartender...........out back
guy gose outside you hear bitting and yelping and the most god awful fight you ever heard in your life....
guy walks into the bar....all bloodie and messed up...he looks at the bartender and says...........ok where is that old chick with the bad tooth??

[imaguitargod]

lol!

[DEFCON Creator]

Young girl walks into the doctors office for her annual checkup. She removes her robe and the doctor sees a large "Y" scratched into her chest. The girl explains her boyfriend went to Yale, and he has this thick sweater he refuses to take off, even when they make love. The doctor understands, strange as it may seem, and continues with the physical.

Next young girl walks in, takes off her robe, and there is a big "H" scratched into her chest. She explains basically the same thing, but her boyfriend went to Harvard.

Third and final girl walks in, takes off her robe, and there is a big "W" scratched into her chest. Before the girl could explain, the doctor says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Wisconsin". The girl looks at the doctor strangely and states, "Nope, my girlfriend goes to Michagan".

[thehotpepper.com]

LOL... almost didn't get it.

[imaguitargod]

Two jokes which we've probably heard already;

"Two guys walk into a bar, thrid guy ducks."

"An Irishman walks past a bar....hey, it could happen."

[DEFCON Creator]

What's the square root of 69?







8 something, now get your mind out of the gutter.

[DEFCON Creator]

Blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. He starts spinning it around over his head. The floor manager asks him what he is doing, he replies, "Just looking around".

[imaguitargod]

"An Irishman walks past a bar....hey, it could happen."
A chili head buys a habanero at the store, goes home and takes the seeds out of it before he eats it...hey, it could happen. ;)

[DEFCON Creator]

A bum walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick, the bartender gives him a toothpick, and the bums leaves. 10 seconds later, another bum walks in, and also asks for a toothpick. The bartender gives him one, and the bum leaves. This happens 6 or 7 more times, when another bum walks in and asks for a straw. The bartender, thinking there is some sort of joke going on, grabs him by the collar, and asks him what the hell is going on. The bum replies, “Well sir, some guy threw up his lunch all over the sidewalk, and all the big pieces are gone.”

[imaguitargod]

“Well sir, some guy threw up his lunch all over the sidewalk, and all the big pieces are gone.”
http://bestsmileys.com/sick/9.gif http://bestsmileys.com/lol/17.gif

[Cap'n Bones]

How many women does it take to change a light bulb??





None, they just sit there in the dark and complain...

[sixstring75]

A guy walks into a bar with a snapping turtle. He looks the bartender square in the eye and says "I'm the toughest mother in this place. I bet you a drink that I can make one full lap around the bar with this snapping turtle hanging from my wanker." The bartender laughs and says "your on tough guy". The guy whips it out, the turtle chomps down and the guy walks all the way around the bar. The place gets dead quiet, nobody can believe what they're seeing. He gets back to his stool, thumps the turtle on the head and it releases. He sits the turtle back on the bar and yells out, " Any of you sissies think your man enough to make it all the way around the bar?" Once again there is dead silence, everybody is in absolute awe of this guy. Then another guy speaks up from the corner of bar "Yeah, hell...... I think I can make it around the bar twice! But you have to promise not to hit me on the head that hard."

[Sickmont]

What's green and brown and eats nuts?


Gonorrhea.

[Pepper_Slayer]

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

[DEFCON Creator]

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Bangladesh?

If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a "Teethbrush".

[imaguitargod]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[sixstring75]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
LOL....so that's what they mean by "hot poker"

[Cap'n Bones]

What do attorneys use for birth control?



Their personalities

[Cap'n Bones]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?




A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[thehotpepper.com]

What's the difference between Canadian and American hot sauce lovers?

Americans can handle heat and Canadians edited out by Tina Brooks




Not really edited by Tina... that was the joke :) Hehe. Just having fun Tina ;).

[DEFCON Creator]

Not really edited by Tina... that was the joke Hehe. Just having fun Tina .


Are you sure Tina didn't write this? I don't post as much just to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and becoming the subject of censorship. I know MY feelings are very, very fragile, and even the thought of offending someone else makes me shudder in abject horror. Rocks and crystals, peace, love and happiness to all, and kiss a Spotted Owl. And then I woke up from that horrible dream filled with smelly people in a VW Bus. Kind of has that feeling of the "Landrew" episode in Star Trek around here lately. Can we call the Censors "Firemen" (reference to Fahrenheit 451)?

[Cap'n Bones]

What's the difference between Canadian and American hot sauce lovers?

Americans can handle heat and Canadians edited out by Tina Brooks




Not really edited by Tina... that was the joke :) Hehe. Just having fun Tina ;).

OHHHH soooo close..:lol:

[thehotpepper.com]

Tina's gonna kill me, lol. But this is the joke section :)

[Cap'n Bones]

What is a Yankee?



The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone!

[chuk hell]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

:cheers:

This joke is Chuk approved.

[thehotpepper.com]

Can we call the Censors "Firemen" (reference to Fahrenheit 451)?
I love that movie (Truffaut), but you probably mean the book.

[DEFCON Creator]

I love that movie (Truffaut), but you probably mean the book.

I actually prefer the movie.

[Sickmont]

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

[DEFCON Creator]

How do you stop Hezbollah from charging?

Unplug the carousel.

[Sickmont]

How do you stop a Polish tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

(someone's gonna bust me for this one, i just know it)

[DEFCON Creator]

Did you hear Poland bought 10,000 septic tanks? As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.

[Sickmont]

How can you spot the polish plane at the airport in winter?

it's the one with chains on the propellers.

[DEFCON Creator]

Poland is going to attempt the first solar landing...They're going to do it at night so nobody gets hurt.

[Sickmont]

How did the Polish ice hockey team drown?

Spring training.

[DEFCON Creator]

How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, and he just sits there until the room spins.

[Sickmont]

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

corduroy.

[DEFCON Creator]

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Manipulating the wheelchair.

Ok, ok, it's a tasteless joke (no pun intended).

[Sickmont]

ok, i'm gonna try to bring this thread up out of the gutter somewhat(as much as i love the gutter, however)....

What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?

slow natives.

[POTAWIE]

How do you piss off your girl-friend while having sex?

Give her a phone call.

[DEFCON Creator]

Hoe do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

The big hand touches the little hand.

[POTAWIE]

What's the quickest way to hurd a hundred cows into a barn?

Put up a bingo sign.

[Sickmont]

How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

He ate a 9 year old weiner.

And why did he go to K-mart?

He heard little boys pants were half off.

[bubbaschili]

how did helen kellers parents punish her??
they re aranged the furniture.

[Sickmont]

how did helen kellers parents punish her??
they re aranged the furniture.

Alternate answer #2: left the plunger in the toilet

Alternate answer #3: walked on her Braille books with golf shoes

[Sickmont]

What does every redneck say just before he dies?

"hey, watch this!!"

[DEFCON Creator]

How do you know OJ could NOT have stabbed Nicole Simpson?

He's an ex-Buffalo Bill, all he can do is choke.

[DEFCON Creator]

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

Hey, get out of my sun!

[Cap'n Bones]

Why is there no Disneyland in China?


Because no one is tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Cap'n Bones]

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time"...A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s--t!

[Sickmont]

Did you hear about the leper hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

[DEFCON Creator]

And the leper football game...There was a hand-off in the backfield.

[Sickmont]

what did the leper say to the prostitute?

keep the tip

[Sickmont]

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[DEFCON Creator]

Why did the lesbian cows break up?

They got tired of each udders.

[bubbaschili]

how do you keep a moron in suspence


ill tell yall tommorow

[imaguitargod]

how do you keep a moron in suspence


ill tell yall tommorow
But I want to know now....wait....HEY!

[DEFCON Creator]

How do you occupy a blonde's attention for a straight week?

Give her a bag of M&M's and have her alphabetize them.

[Sickmont]

How do you confuse a polish guy?

put him in a round room and tell him there's a dollar in the corner

[bubbaschili]

you were so ugly when you were a baby yo momma had to feed you from 20 yards with a sling shot.

[Sickmont]

you're so ugly they have to hang pork chops from your neck just to get the dog to play with you

[imaguitargod]

Cow 1 says to cow 2, "So are you worried about that mad cow disease going around again?" and cow 2 says "No, why should I be? I'm a woodchuck."

[chuk hell]

Did you hear about Wille Nelson getting hit by a car?


He was playing on the road again.

[Sickmont]

How can you tell if your wife's dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up

[sixstring75]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[Cap'n Bones]

What do you see when the Pillsbury-dough-boy bends over?


Doughnuts

[thehotpepper.com]

What does Cap'n Bones say when he bends over in front of The Pillsbury Dough Boy?

Doh!

[Cap'n Bones]

Who is the Pillsbury-dough-boy?





The administrator..Doh! :doh:

[thehotpepper.com]

He's the Texan in imaguitargod's post, lol.

[Cap'n Bones]

Whoa! Hey I caught that before it was edited..Haahaa

[imaguitargod]

He's the Texan in imaguitargod's post, lol.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif

[thehotpepper.com]

Where's Tina when we need her... someone stop the insanity!

[Cap'n Bones]

Hey Admin, I've found the perfect job for ya.
The local bait shop is hiring for a upper management position. They need a Master Baiter....

[imaguitargod]

Where's Tina when we need her... someone stop the insanity!
She's researching dead baby jokes on the net...speaking of which.... http://bestsmileys.com/computer1/19.gif

[thehotpepper.com]

Hey Admin, I've found the perfect job for ya.
The local bait shop is hiring for a upper management position. They need a Master Baiter....
I just called them and you anwered the phone ;)

[Cap'n Bones]

:D Heehee

[Cap'n Bones]

Cow 1 says to cow 2, "So are you worried about that mad cow disease going around again?" and cow 2 says "No, why should I be? I'm a woodchuck."

Now this really scares me...I want to know who the person was that actually overheard this conversation.

[imaguitargod]

Now this really scares me...I want to know who the person was that actually overheard this conversation.
It was me. Don't you know I keep a very close eye on the conversations and moooovements of those bovines in the Cowspiracy (http://www.mulletman.org/deathtothecows.html)... http://bestsmileys.com/paranoid/5.gif

[bubbaschili]

> Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped
> some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
them
> up, he
> noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress.
> Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head
on
> the table and merged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to
get
> some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, did you see
anything
> that you liked under there?
> Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well
> indeed he
> did.
> She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After
> taking a
> minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer,
> John
> confirms that he is interested.
> She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons
> and John
> doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
> When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM
> sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
> bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed
> and left.
> As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering
the
> house,
> asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
> With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by
for
> few
> minutes this afternoon."
> Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
"And
> did he
> give you $500?"
> In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
> mustering her
> best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
> With a satisfied look on his face, Bill surprised his wife by
saying
> Good I
> was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed
> $500
> from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his
> way
> home and pay me back.

[DEFCON Creator]

How can you tell an Irishman from a Scotman?


Look under the kilt, if it 's a quarter-pounder, it's a McDonald.

[POTAWIE]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet paper and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.



"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

[bubbaschili]

guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head......the duck says....hey get this guy off my azz.

[bubbaschili]

take my wife...........please

[Sickmont]

take my wife...........please

No...i've got enough problems as it is.

[Sickmont]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[Hank]

what? No toothpick?

[DEFCON Creator]

Why does Michael Jackson like 29-year olds?

Because it's 20 9-year olds.

[imaguitargod]

Why does Michael Jackson like 29-year olds?

Because it's 20 9-year olds.
Do not get me started on the 9 year old jokes, for they are funny and not safe for this board....

[imaguitargod]

What's the difference between a truck load of dead badies and a truck load of bowling balls...




You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[Sickmont]

What do Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?




they both wear white gloves, they both have a amusement park in their backyard, they're both black and white, they both love kids, they both have f***ed up noses, they both wear tight clothes, and they both have a high pitched voice.

[imaguitargod]

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house...

Depends on how hard you throw them.



What present do you get a dead baby?

A dead puppy.

[Sickmont]

A dead puppy.

thats one of my favorite songs..."Dead puppies"

[DEFCON Creator]

Two ropes are bar-hopping in the city one night, they go into a bar and climb onto one of the stools. The bartender asks, "Hey, are you guys ropes?". They reply that they are, the bartender yells, "We don't serve ropes in here, GET OUT!". They go to another bar and the same thing happens. One rope, completely demoralized wants to call it a night. The other rope says to him, "Well get in the next bar, just follow my lead". The rope ties one end and teases out the strands, so as to look like hair. He walks into the bar, climbs up on the stool, and the bartender asks, "Hey, are you a rope?", he replies, "Why no, I'm a-frayed knot".

[Cap'n Bones]

Frayed knot..:lol: reminds me of some old Coast Guard jokes.


Anybody know what Cuba's main export is?


Cuban's.

[Sickmont]

Did you hear Mexico's weather report?

Chili today and hot tamale.

[Cap'n Bones]

What's the Cuban National Anthem?


Row, Row, Row yer boat...

[DEFCON Creator]

Like Larry the Cable Guy said, "Went fishing in Florida, and caught a Cuban".

[Sickmont]

What's the Cuban National Anthem?


Row, Row, Row yer boat...


shouldn't it be something like "row, row, row yer ole' buick"?

[Cap'n Bones]

I've been to Cuba several times. No joke, it's a beautiful place with very friendly locals. To bad it's run by a Dicktater.

[Sickmont]

I want to go to Havana really bad, but i can't swing the airfare to Canada and back...too pricey.

[sixstring75]

take my wife...........please


I'm a little short this week, got $500 I can borrow?

[bubbaschili]

go for it six.....she aint givin it to me so someone should try and get some.

why dose mexico not enter anyone into the olympics.........all the ones that can run and swim are already here in america.

[bubbaschili]

i know there outlawed but i have always wanted to try a cuban cigar......no joke just commenting on the ive been to cuba talk.

[imaguitargod]

i know there outlawed but i have always wanted to try a cuban cigar......no joke just commenting on the ive been to cuba talk.
I've had a few in my life time. They are rolled very nicely and burn smoothly. The taste is somewhat aquired. I have actually gotten some here in Los Angeles for about $30 a pop. Only imprting them is outlawed, unless (and here's the loop hole that get's exercised alot) the order was placed for the cigars before the embargo was placed (which was 1962).

[DEFCON Creator]

They are available around here quite regularly. Personally, I think they're over-rated...And it would be really cool if "Fiddle" was room temperature as well.

[imaguitargod]

Personally, I think they're over-rated...
While I do agree with the over rated thing, they kinda get better the more you have them. There are some subtle tastes that take some time to appreciate.

[Sickmont]

I've had a few in my life time. They are rolled very nicely and burn smoothly. The taste is somewhat aquired. I have actually gotten some here in Los Angeles for about $30 a pop. Only imprting them is outlawed, unless (and here's the loop hole that get's exercised alot) the order was placed for the cigars before the embargo was placed (which was 1962).

Here in the Tampa bay area, we've got a few 2nd and 3rd gen cubans in Ybor City who still roll "cubans"(Ybor is and old cigar-making Cuban neighborhood from the turn of the century). Most people i know here who do the cigar thing say they're excellent cigars, but i wouldn't know because i'm just not the cigar type of guy.

[sixstring75]

go for it six.....she aint givin it to me so someone should try and get some.

why dose mexico not enter anyone into the olympics.........all the ones that can run and swim are already here in america.

Poor Bubba........I'll start a collection for you. Sounds as if you need the $500.00 more than I do. And women wonder why we drink......

[POTAWIE]

Easy to find here in Canada. I've seen single cigars for well over $100(Canadian dollars) For a hundred bucks, I'd better be seeing purple Dinausaurs and unicorns.

[bubbaschili]

100 bucks for a cigar?? dose it come with a hooker?

ok lets get this back on track......drunk gose into a brothel.....he asked the lady......how much.......she says 500 dollars......drunk pulls out 500 gose upstairs........hooker laying in bed the drunk gose to the window and starts to throw his clothes out the window.......the hooker says......ahhhhhh what are you doing??
drunk says...for 500 bucks by the time im thru with you these clothes are gonna be out of style.

[bubbaschili]

tina is gonna love us when she gets back...

[imaguitargod]

tina is gonna love us when she gets back...
She's gonna flip. That almost could be the start of a joke...

"So, a moderator come back from vacation..." :)

[Sickmont]

tina is gonna love us when she gets back...

She's gonna break all her nails off moderating this thread....:banghead:

[DEFCON Creator]

He who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

[Sickmont]

Confucius say "man go to bed with itchy bunghole....wake up with stinky finger"

[sixstring75]

Confucius say "man go to bed with itchy bunghole....wake up with stinky finger"

Wise man once say...."Man with hand in pocket, feel cocky all day"

[bubbaschili]

confucius say man who live in glass house.....dress in basement.

[bubbaschili]

hotpepper needs to insert a smiley that has one eye twitching and a vein popping out on its forehead for tina when she gets back.

[imaguitargod]

hotpepper needs to insert a smiley that has one eye twitching and a vein popping out on its forehead for tina when she gets back.
http://bestsmileys.com/freak/1.gif

[Sickmont]

hotpepper needs to insert a smiley that has one eye twitching and a vein popping out on its forehead for tina when she gets back.

oh, a kanipshin fit smiley...

[imaguitargod]

Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.



Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.


Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the koala.


Why did the tree fall over?

The koala never let go.


Why did the kangaroo die?

Because the koala landed on it.

[Cap'n Bones]

A wise man once said, "Girl who fly upside down, have hairy crack-up"

[bubbaschili]

inset tina's head exploding smiley here

[sixstring75]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

[DEFCON Creator]

Mother Theresa goes up to heaven and sees Saint Peter. After talking for a little while, Saint Peter gives her a halo. A few days later, as she is walking down one of Heaven’s roads, she sees Lady Diana walking the other way, upon close examination, she sees that Lady Diana has a bigger halo. Upset about this, she confronts Saint Peter and says, “Hey, Saint Peter! You know who I am. I have spent my entire life going from country to country helping the starving and poor, hands-on. I just saw Lady Diana, a rich bitch who threw some charity functions, and she has a bigger halo! “What’s the deal!” Saint Peter looks at her and states, “Mother Theresa, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel.”.

[DEFCON Creator]

President Clinton invites Monica Lewinsky into his office. Upon enetering, he closes the door and asks her if she would like to see his clock. She replies, “Sure.”. He then drops his pants revealing his jewels. She looks down and says, “That’s not a clock Mr. President.”. He replies, “Sure it is. All it needs is two hands and a face on it.”.

[Sickmont]

Did you hear Monica Lewinsky has a new business she's starting up?

She's designing her own line of humidors

[bubbaschili]

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of
duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

[Sickmont]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you
like a bed near the window?"

[Sickmont]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
Cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[bubbaschili]

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable, ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat
with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb
struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom
cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him
to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in
hers.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he swallows excitedly
and tears start to form in his eyes,

" I can check my e-mail from here?"

[DevilDuck]

Confucious say: "Mariage like game of cards. Start with pair, end up with full house"

Confucious also say: "He who f*ck up, make mess on ceiling."

[Sickmont]

One of my all-time favorite jokes....

What's black, white, and red and can't fit through a doorway?

A nun with a spear through her head

[DEFCON Creator]

Mommy, mommy, I hate Billy's guts!

Shut up and keep eating!

[Cap'n Bones]

Mommy, mommy, I hate Billy's guts!

Shut up and keep eating!

:sick: :lol:

[imaguitargod]

What's green, red, and spins?

Kermmit the Frog in a blender.


What's black, white, black, white, black, white?

A nun falling down the steps.

[Sickmont]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"

[Sickmont]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*#king map again."

[Tina Brooks]

Hey, I know a good joke when I see one, but Politics, is off-limits. :D

[Denio]

A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find
the Polish sausage?"

The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

[Denio]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Janice opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had
sent.
Sister Janice smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.

Quickly, she wrote: "Don't despair. - Sister Janice" on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out
the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled
expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Janice was told that a man was at her door,
insisting
upon seeing her. She went down, and found the shabbily-dressed stranger
waiting. Without a single word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

What is this, Sir?" she asked.

"That is the $8,000 you have coming, Sister Janice," he replied. "Don't
Despair paid 80-to-1."

[Denio]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small
talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of
chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

[Denio]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes
to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down
into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk
gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging
his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we
missed the "R"!
His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was CELEBRATE!"

[thehotpepper.com]

Someone's got jokes!

[Tina Brooks]

So... since I can't tell a joke about Politics, can I tell a Ronald Reagan joke???

Saved ya some time, Capt. I edited that one myself.

[Tina Brooks]

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --[Politics], Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

[DEFCON Creator]

So... since I can't tell a joke about Politics, can I tell a Ronald Reagan joke???

Saved ya some time, Capt. I edited that one myself.

Tina, what's the deal? You come back for one day and already have one thread closed down for politics. Get off it already!

[Tina Brooks]

Tina, what's the deal? You come back for one day and already have one thread closed down for politics. Get off it already!

How about you tell ME what the deal is, John.

How about that... Jonathan accused the government of propaganda, and you called it "apolitical" then invoked both socialism and Stalin, but "I" got the thread closed down??? LMFAO.

You write a joke about President Clinton and it's fine, I write one about George Bush and suddenly it's "Politics".

Got a problem with it??? Complain to a mod... He'll edit my posts for you. I don't work here anymore and I only edit when necessary. If you can't take a political joke, I suggest you stop telling them.

After all, I seem to be the only one being accused of talking "politics"... Fine for everyone else and their dog.

Do tell. I guess I'm confused on the meaning of the word... It doesn't mean "politics" it just means "George Bush".

What is the deal with that anyway, huh???

When you figure it out babe, just let me know. mkay?

Frankly, it sounds like a case of someone's bias showing to me.

[chuk hell]

Tina and John.....play nice.

If there's gonna be jokes about politicians then there can be jokes about ANY politicians. Hell....99% of them ARE jokes. ;)

But, if you guys are gonna fight about it then were gonna have to make yet another rule and they're already too dang many in my book!

Banning political jokes next....sheesh!

[Tina Brooks]

Thank you Chuk, at least someone around here has a modicum of good sense and a SENSE OF HUMOUR.

T

[DEFCON Creator]

Yawn.....

[Cap'n Bones]

Why do driver's education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.

[Denio]

Kenny, a teenage redneck who lived near Austin, Texas, bought a
donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said, "I'm
sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I already went out and spent it."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $998.00."
> The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the
guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Denio]

Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup.
Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck.
Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would..
We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods..
She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want"

Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...

[Denio]

Joe was killed in a major traffic accident, his body severely burned.

At the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. Joe had no relatives living in the area, but there was two guys he was with all the time.

They had these two guys come down to the morgue and try and identify the body.

The Coroner brought the body in and they looked, and then asked if they could turn the body over.

One guy stepped up close and looked at his butt, then he told his friend to take a look, and he did the same. then they said this isn't Joe.

The Coroner, a little confused asked how can you say this isn't Joe just by looking at his butt?

Well they said, everytime we were out with Joe everybody would say.

"Here comes Joe with the two A**holes"

[Denio]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?", the barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long
before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around at shop full of
customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then doesn't come back.". A little while later, Bill comes
back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did
he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your
house!"

[Denio]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly
asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing? "The
operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room
number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel,
room 302. The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
record
says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her
blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The Grandmother said, "Thank
you. That's
wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The
operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The
Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit!"

[Denio]

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the

Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll

see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's

2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I

could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you

bring da fingers?"



To which Ole replied:







"How da **** was I suppose to pick dem up?"

[Denio]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "! Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: " S**T "

[Denio]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.



When the Angel returned he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not"..



God thought for a moment and said,



"Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."



So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.



When the angel returned he went to God and said "Yes, it's true the Earth is in a bad way; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep doing good.



Do you know what the E-mail said?







Just wondering.................. I didn't get one either

[Denio]

Paddy was driving down the street in a hurry because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,

"Never mind. I found one."

[thehotpepper.com]

Tina, those aren't jokes, those are political slights, and you posted them to annoy certain members. It's quite obvious. Please don't do that. Posts removed.

[Tina Brooks]

They aren't jokes??? Then why did you laugh when you read them?

[thehotpepper.com]

When you post them just to annoy another member they are not jokes, they become attacks. Four targeted political jokes in a row. Deleted.

8) Politics, religion, and sensitive topics are not allowed. Yes, there is freedom of speech, but this is also a privately owned forum. These topics just lead to arguments.

I guess now we have to refer to this for jokes too.

[Tina Brooks]

Like I said before... Anyone can tell a political joke but me.

Gotcha.

[Tina Brooks]

I posted them, because they were funny.

How the hell telling a joke about the Prime Minister of Canada is supposed to annoy anyone but a Canadian, I'll never know.

It's not a public forum is right.

It's a republican stronghold.

[Tina Brooks]

Delete my membership.

[thehotpepper.com]

Don't be hasty. The politics rules mentions sensitivity. If you stick to that, you can tell light humor with no problem.

[Tina Brooks]

Bullsh*t.

[thehotpepper.com]

Okay fine. I'll deactivate your account as requested.

[chuk hell]

Can't we all get along? :cry:

[marcosauces]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.!

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs"

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets.! "

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubblegum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..... "

[imaguitargod]

I would just like to wish Tina good luck in anything that she does.

RIP Tina Brooks' membership to the Hot Pepper Forum (Sept 2004-August 2006).

And now back on topic...Dang Denio! How many joke books do you own?

[Denio]

No Books.. Just emails I have received over the years....

I guess I know a lot of twisted people.. and yes I can relate to them.... :cool:

[Denio]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

[Denio]

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help
me,
I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. Come
to
me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" The shrink said, "a hundred dollars per
visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you
ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? Not me. I told my story to a bartender and he cured me after 3 beers.

"Is that so ! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[Denio]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep

the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm .

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

[Denio]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish and other Romance languages, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Denio]

I sure hope you water drinkers read this!
Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia
Coli (E-Coli) Bacteria f! ound in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,
gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because
alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who
are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been
scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for
you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk
crap than to drink water and be full of it !!

[Denio]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What Should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions.. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[Denio]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary

Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to
what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, :And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too." About
this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a
drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's
going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Denio]

Bubba and Earl, mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're suppose to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced "eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Earl shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[Sickmont]

An old woman was standing nude in front of the mirror, looking at herself. "I'm fat, wrinkled and old. Everything on me is disgusting and sagging. Say something nice to make me feel better", she told her husband.

He replied "your eyesight is perfect".

[marcosauces]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you........... Tray-up, Bitch !

[marcosauces]

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.  The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.  The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........  smack his ass again!"

 

If you didn't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you. :)

[chuk hell]

Man, there's some good jokes here.....kudos to the joke-meisters. :)

[Denio]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.



2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.



3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.



4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.



5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"


10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.


11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.


12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.


13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

[Denio]

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT

Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately..


If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.






If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay

[Denio]

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and ! often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

[Denio]

Five surgeons are discussing whose patients make the best surgical candidates.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table.
When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.
And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.

And on top of that, the head and the @$$ are interchangeable."

[Denio]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
> have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
>
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
> enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
>
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
> out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
>
> (O.M.G.!)
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
>
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
> it starves to death.
>
> (Creepy.)
>
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
> hour
>
> (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
> is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
> head off.
>
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
> human jumping the length of a football field.
>
>
> (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
>
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
> quantity)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>
> (Hmmmmmm......)
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
> than left-handed people.
>
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
>
> (okay, so that would be a good thing)
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
>
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
> (I know some people like that.)
>
> Starfish have no brains
>
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
> Polar bears are left-handed.
>
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> for pleasure.

>
> (What about that pig??)

[Denio]

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer hear! t attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Denio]

Subject: Rules for Men


>
>
> In anticipation of Valentine's Day, here are the
> Rules of Romance
>
> In the world of romance, ONLY one single rule applies to the men:
>
> Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
> Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
>
> Here is a guide to the point system:
>
> SIMPLE DUTIES
> You make the bed (+1)
> You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
> You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
> withBeer (-5)
> You check out a suspicious noise ! at night (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
> You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
> It's her pet (-10)
>
> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
> You stay by her side the entire party (0)
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
> buddy (-2)
> Named Rita (-4)
> Rita is a dancer (-6)
> Rita has silicon implants (-80)
>
> HER BIRTHDAY
> You take her out to dinner (0)
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
> Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
> And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
> the colors of your favorite team (-10)
>
> A NIGHT OUT
> You take her to a movie (+2)
> You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
> You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
>! ; You take her to a movie you like (-2)
> It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
>
> YOUR PHYSIQUE
> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
> baggyHawaiianshirts (-30)
> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
>
> ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
> She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
> You hesitate in responding (-10)
> You reply, "Where?" (-35)
> Any other response (-20)
>
> COMMUNICATION
> When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
> looks
> like a concerned expression (0)
> You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
> You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
> She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
>
> Now what chance do you have?

[imaguitargod]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
Oh god! Red Skelton! That brings back memories.

[imaguitargod]

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar and the bar tender says, "What is this? Some sort of joke?"

[Denio]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Denio]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an I.T. technician", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Denio]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[Denio]

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

[Denio]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

[marcosauces]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried
everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards,special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at Work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down To dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

NOT intended to offend anybody...!!

[Sickmont]

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Sickmont]

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."

[Shooty*]

Not read ALL of these, but:

1. A man rushes into a bar looking really, really flustered. Before he's even at the bar, he shouts at the bar tender "Quick! Give me a quadruple whiskey!". The bar tender pours it and the man downs it, quick as a flash. "Wow," says the bartender "you drank that really fast."

"Ah, you'd drink fast too, if you have what I've got" said the man.

"Wow. What have you got?" Says the barman