JOKE TIME!!!!

[imaguitargod]

How do I sign up for classes 3, 4, 7, and 10?

[Denio]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[Denio]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[Sickmont]

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat-pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Denio]

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants
him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says "If the
Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher
stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say
that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side
while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, "Screw the preacher."

[Sickmont]

BEER VS VAGINA (may the best addiction win!)

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it One point to BEER


20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER

Final Score 11 BEER/ 8 VAGINA

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

[Denio]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

[xgrafcorex]

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

haha nice post. to number 12 i say: that tax is nothing compared to the investment usually involved in vagina. :P

[Sickmont]

haha nice post. to number 12 i say: that tax is nothing compared to the investment usually involved in vagina. :P

Yep. As my dad used to say, "either way you're paying for it....whether directly or indirectly, but you're paying for it."

[Denio]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[Sickmont]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon or so."

[Denio]

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES:
>
> Husband's note on refrigerator for wife
>
> "Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer
> is normal. I didn't know you liked beer."

[Sickmont]

There was this guy standing, smoking at a bus stop waiting for a bus. A woman who was also waiting for the bus starts to cough. It is one of those forced coughs, the fake kind. He glances at her and continues to smoke.

She says, "You disrespectful a**hole. I have been standing here, inhaling your second hand smoke for 15 minutes and you don't even give a shit. What do you have to say for yourself?"

The smoker thinks while taking another drag of his cigarette. After exhaling, he turns to her and says, "I think you owe me for half a pack of smokes."

[Sickmont]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous, well
endowed blond was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'
So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat ugly bitch!'

[Sickmont]

A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

[Sickmont]

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.

I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.



Yer Friend, Billy



Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare.

How about I send you a book so you can learn to read

and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.

At least HE can spell.



Love, Santa



************************************************** ***

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing

I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!



Love, Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Santa



************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,

I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see what you can do.



Love, Teddy



Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
send

you some Legos instead.



Santa



************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some

G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.



Love, Francis



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.

I'll set you up with a Barbie.



Santa



********************************



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and

I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.



Love, Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my

face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Leave me a bottle of Scotch.



Santa



************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Are you busy making toys?



Your friend, Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend

most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing

money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.



Santa



************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really

know when we're awake, like in the song?



Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.

I'm skipping your house.



Santa



************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,

PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?



Love, Timmy



Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks,

but that crap doesn't work with me.

You're getting a sweater again.



Santa



************************************************** **

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?



Love, Marky



Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live

in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just

like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.



Sweet dreams,

Santa

[Sickmont]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 2.5 gallons? "

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it on my eyes."

[Denio]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"


"Yes," she purrs, "I am."


The man responded, "Well, please go wash your hands; I want a cheeseburger!"

[HotSauceGoonie]

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

[Denio]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks
away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and
Lexus’ in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asked the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

[DEFCON Creator]

A blind guy walks into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog. He proceeds to swing it around over his head when the manager runs up to him and asks him what he is doing. He replies, "I'm looking around".

[HotSauceGoonie]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

[Denio]

Friends and Family: And all this time I have been laboring under the delusion that "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' was a spaghetti western with Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach!

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good: You just gave "the birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[Denio]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Sickmont]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

[bentalphanerd]

Two peanuts walking through a park - one of them was a salted.

Just my luck -- judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

[bentalphanerd]

The puppies I brought home for my kids were cute at first, but now that they keep loosing their teeth and spending all their time trying to fight or hump each other, they're just plain annoying. I guess it's my fault for adopting Jerry Springer Spaniels in the first place.


I'll try to stop now :P

[Pam]

Why did the chicken cross the road?




To show the possum it could be done.

[imaguitargod]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because it was dead. :shocked:

[texas blues]

Two fly's on a cowpie.
Fly #1 cuts a huge fart.
Fly #2 "hey c'mon, I'm eatin' here!!"

[chilehunter]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about politics? I am a dedicated Democrat."

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss politics when you don't know sh1t?"

[chilehunter]

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and K.C.
As they start their descent,
Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly!

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave
you beer?"

Well.....not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

[chilehunter]

Very informative and accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW
S...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-
blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch
socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future
use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off
their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Some primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAngIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAngIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

[chilehunter]

>>ACTUAL COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor... when the lady got on the bus I
couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said 'The Double Mint Twins Are
Coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said 'Logan's Liniment
Will Reduce The Swelling' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant ad that read "William's Big Stick Did The Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident'...
I just lost it."

[chilehunter]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God,

"You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



LIFE... has now been explained to you

[chilehunter]

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high fiber cereal.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing a pot.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"

[chilehunter]

1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the **** away from me until you are well
again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?,

"Because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!

[chilehunter]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

"Not according to Dad," replied Chelsea.

[chilehunter]

Dear Abby from Texas Good Ole Boy

Subject: Dear Abby from Texas Good Ole Boy

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other
brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?


Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[chilehunter]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a 'good old boy' from Kansas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time......... No one moves................. He removes his shirt................ Muscles ripple across his chest.......... She gasps.................................... He whispers......................................

"Iron this... then get me a beer."

[chilehunter]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, we were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I can play that game too.

[chilehunter]

Subject: Police Comments


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car video recorders in the police cars around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificat e a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, 'fair' is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that (Police) Chief Hawker is a personal friend of you rs. So, you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here..."

[chilehunter]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch

[chilehunter]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Pittsburgh, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[chilehunter]

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands,
a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

You Got To Love the Irish

[chilehunter]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

[chilehunter]

Divorce Argument


A man and his wife were getting a divorce at court. But the custody of their children posed a problem The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the Judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The Judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, Does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"



Don't laugh, he won.

[herbie1806]

How do you get Nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an Alter Boy.

[chilehunter]

Dogs vs. Wives (why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives)

The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs like it you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog’s parents never visit.
Dogs do not hate their bodies
Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs can’t talk.
Dogs can be trained.
Dogs don't mind if you haven't showered for a few days.
Dogs enjoy petting in public.
You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours per day.
Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting.
Another man will seldom steal your dog.
If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
Dogs don’t wake you at 3 am & ask, “If I died would you get another dog?”
If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room free.
Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on without calling you a pervert.
A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they just think it’s interesting.
On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
Dogs like to ride in the back of the pick up truck.
When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff and all your money.

[chilehunter]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed,” but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,” Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[chilehunter]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.



Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.



Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball



Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!



Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.



Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.



Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.



Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.





Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[chilehunter]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[chilehunter]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear.

The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[chilehunter]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute; I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, please excuse me for a mere moment. I need to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner."

The teacher is amazed..... "Why, Johnny, that's very...."

Then the implications hit her. "LITTLE JOHNNY!!!!!"

[chilehunter]

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The
second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask
me, I know a ll of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde
replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
Freshman, sat in her US government class. The
professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[chilehunter]

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[chilehunter]

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.

[chilehunter]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:...cost - $29.99
Clinton:...cost - $29.99

Titanic:...Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:...Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:...The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:...Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:...Bill is a bull$hit artist.

Titanic:...In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:...Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:...During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined.
Clinton:...Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:...Let's not go there.

Titanic:...Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton:...Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:...Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her
life.
Clinton:...Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen.
Clinton:...Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:...Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[chilehunter]

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
Operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and Looked over the menu...

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Republican: $20.00
+ Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference For the Democrat?' The cook replied,

"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh1t, it takes all morning."

[chilehunter]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) N.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) N.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) N.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) N.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-U-lens) N.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king Luv) N.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) N.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
She said .. .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said .. They already have boyfriends.

She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[chilehunter]

Bet you can't answer this one!


What gets longer when pulled...

Fits between your boobs...

Inserts neatly in a hole

and works best when jerked?




















A SEAT BELT, you pervert !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!
Now 'BUCKLE UP'

[chilehunter]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"You try again."

[chilehunter]

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Plebian]

What's the difference between growing green peppers and red peppers?



...about 10 days.

LOL

[bentalphanerd]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:














Always keep your condoms in your car

[chilehunter]

can you read this ?



fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too



Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.



i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaet r in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhat slpeling was ipmorantt!

[chilehunter]

11th husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God I miss him!

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
SCREWED."

[chilehunter]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Harrisburg, PA. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it?

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

Politicians, same as you,"replied the small 'gator.

Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

Down 't other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh!t out of 'em, and eat em!"

Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh!t out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an a$$ hole and a briefcase.

[chilehunter]

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and medicine man of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

[chilehunter]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well the passion started to heat up, and she eventually says " I don't fell like it, i just want you to hold me."
I said " WHAT ?? !! What was that ?"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.
" You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She reponded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so i said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think i threw her for a loop when i said , " That's fine dear." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said " I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when i blurted out, " No, honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went ashen white as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT ? "

I then said " Honey , I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy you'r shopping needs as a woman" And just when she has this look like she was about to kill me, I added, " Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things i can buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......

[chilehunter]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[chilehunter]

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers.

She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy,

God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."
The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day, the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say:
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said:

"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

[chilehunter]

Vow of ''Celebracy''

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He''s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,

"An ''R''! They left out the ''R''."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,"It''s the letter ''R''... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[chilehunter]

A young guy from Ohio moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Ohio."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."

[chilehunter]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, Yeah, well... you started it."

[chilehunter]

THE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for **** here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

[chilehunter]

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of.. " You know you're a redneck when......."


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The salvation army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[chilehunter]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ............... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Large frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

[chilehunter]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his ho! rse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[chilehunter]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"



-------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"



-------------------------------------------------------


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside,
and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at
all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids."



-------------------------------------------------------


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."

__________________________________________________ __


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck
Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.



-------------------------------------------------------


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell
me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to
New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.



__________________________________________________ _____



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied

"A golf gun?! Why would you say that? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan."


__________________________________________________ _____



The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her
recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First
you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the
stock.

____________________________________________


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


__________________________________________________ _____



Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in ****."


__________________________________________________ _____



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at
least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get
a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in
one."


__________________________________________________ _____



Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter
and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked
at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by
accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He
replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you
didn't say "a$$hole" afterwards."

[chilehunter]

Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said”. “Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want '" The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice the clothes probably wouldn't have fit "


**************************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty
To the engineer, the glass is not the correct size!

************************************************** *****
Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper let’s have a word with him”.

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters, they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime”.

The group was silent for a moment


The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight ".

The doctor said, "Good idea And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see

if there's anything he can do for them ".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

***********************************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets

**************************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


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Understanding Engineers - Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress:

The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both " "Both?" "Yeah If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess " He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week " The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want " Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[chilehunter]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note: These are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
___________________________________
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely! anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[chilehunter]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son.... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken coffee table $139.99, Hot breakfast $4.20, Two Aspirins .38. Saying the right thing at the right time...Priceless

[chilehunter]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding, items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favor