Calvin's Dad was Nuts-o!

[imaguitargod]

Holy shit! Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbs was batshit insane! I was just reading some quotes from Bill Watterson's various books. This is Calvin's dad answering some questions:

Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.

Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.

Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

This guy's loonier than I am!!!! :shocked:

[Sickmont]

Wasn't he a dentist?

[imaguitargod]

Wasn't he a dentist?
Sure was. Maybe he was hitting the nitrous a little bit after work.

[imaguitargod]

Wait, scratch that, that's the dad in Zits. Calvin's dad was a patent attorney.

[Philipperv]

Am I supposed to take a hit of acid while reading that?

[rainbowberry]

That's a bit like telling kids that when they hear the ice cream van jingle it means he's run out of ice cream, and that burnt fish fingers come from the Black sea.

[talas]

erm twisted indeed :shocked:

looks to left 500 wohoo lol i must be twisted with the rest of the chiliheads here..naga for president..oops what where we talking about?

[imaguitargod]

Am I supposed to take a hit of acid while reading that?
OH! Great idea!

erm twisted indeed :shocked:

looks to left 500 wohoo lol i must be twisted with the rest of the chiliheads here..naga for president..oops what where we talking about?
Congrats on hitting 500!

That's a bit like telling kids that when they hear the ice cream van jingle it means he's run out of ice cream, and that burnt fish fingers come from the Black sea.
Hehehe, I like those too. A friend of mine always said that if he ever has kids he would tromitize them by telling 'em that Disney Land is the most rechid scary place on Earth. A place where they torture little kids and kill puppies. That way they would have this life long fear of the place.

He just wanted to see what would happen if they go on a field trip to the place.....twisted....funny, but twisted.

[cheezydemon]

Wow! That is almost as F'd up as telling little kids that a fat man flies around the world faster than the speed of light, not in an experimental new jet, but in a snow sleigh, depositing an impossible amount of gifts, undamaged, down chimneys, and furthtermore, that this somehow has something to do with Jesus.

*Sorry! I'm sleep deprived at the moment and raving ever so slightly! Good thread.*

[talas]

cheers I.G respect Brother :cheers:

[Sickmont]

Hehehe, I like those too. A friend of mine always said that if he ever has kids he would tromitize them by telling 'em that Disney Land is the most rechid scary place on Earth. A place where they torture little kids and kill puppies. That way they would have this life long fear of the place.

He just wanted to see what would happen if they go on a field trip to the place.....twisted....funny, but twisted.

How about that one on deep thoughts with jack handey where he tells his son he's taking him to disneyland and then drives him to an old burned out barn and says "oh no, it must've burned down last night" and then just laughs and laughs at his kid

[imaguitargod]

How about that one on deep thoughts with jack handey where he tells his son he's taking him to disneyland and then drives him to an old burned out barn and says "oh no, it must've burned down last night" and then just laughs and laughs at his kid

Hehehehe! I like that one even better!!!!!!! Bwahahaha!

[rainbowberry]

Wow! That is almost as F'd up as telling little kids that a fat man flies around the world faster than the speed of light, not in an experimental new jet, but in a snow sleigh, depositing an impossible amount of gifts, undamaged, down chimneys, and furthtermore, that this somehow has something to do with Jesus.



Really? You mean you've never made footprints and hoofprints on your carpet with talcum powder or ash and left mince pie crumbs and half a chewed carrot for kids to see on Christmas morning? :shocked:

[imaguitargod]

Really? You mean you've never made footprints and hoofprints on your carpet with talcum powder or ash and left mince pie crumbs and half a chewed carrot for kids to see on Christmas morning? :shocked:
No, I like to rent a live raindeer, splash blood all over the tree and fire place, leave shards of red cloth around the livingroom and hook some on the raindeers antlers. The children come running down to get their presents and find that poor Santa had become a snack for a hungry, rabid Rudolf...there was a reason he was never allowed to play in the raindeer games... :(

[Sickmont]

Really? You mean you've never made footprints and hoofprints on your carpet with talcum powder or ash and left mince pie crumbs and half a chewed carrot for kids to see on Christmas morning? :shocked:

My dad used to do that stuff(and he put skid marks down for the sleigh as well) in the snow right outside the back door of our house because apparently Santa never used the chimney on a three story house....he just broke down the back door

[cheezydemon]

No, but my wife does. I just feel wierd lying to the kids. We teach them to always tell the truth, but then we unload all of this BS (usually in place of a christian holiday) on them. It's wierd.

[rainbowberry]

I just always think that when they are really little it's nice to let them have that bit of fantasy in their lives, kids childhood days are getting snatched away as it is so I like for them to have that small bit of magic, it's each to their own though of course. I must admit I owned up to the tooth fairy being a con when I forgot once too many times.

[cheezydemon]

I like the fantasy aspect, and I have fond memories of christmas movies, records, etc.

I just wish I had related it to the kids as more of a legend than a full blown fact.

Sorry! I didn't mean to jack the thread. I just thought that it was not so far off from something that Calvin's dad would make up. If Aliens came to earth...(nice ones;)) I am not sure that they would see the difference between Santa and the BS that Calvin's Dad spews.

Actually Santa is a little wierder, because the commercialized red nosed fat-so is somehow the symbol of Jesus's supposed birth. Almost as wierd as the colorful rabbit that evidently lays eggs that symbolizes Jesus' supposed rise from the dead....

[imaguitargod]

Well, one of the nice little secrets about Santa is it's not based on Jesus but on the shamans of Europe. Back in the day they would go out hunting psychadelic mushrooms for their rituals (at the time was Amanita mushroom) and would wear white fur timmed, red coats and black boots.

The would carry a sack and fill it full of the mushrooms. Then they would pick a pine tree out in the forest and place the mushrooms up there to dry (hence the tradition of the orniments in a christmas tree).

and I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

[Omri]

Well, one of the nice little secrets about Santa is it's not based on Jesus but on the shamans of Europe. Back in the day they would go out hunting psychadelic mushrooms for their rituals (at the time was Amanita mushroom) and would wear white fur timmed, red coats and black boots.

The would carry a sack and fill it full of the mushrooms. Then they would pick a pine tree out in the forest and place the mushrooms up there to dry (hence the tradition of the orniments in a christmas tree).

and I could go on and on, but you get the picture.
I always thought it was based on that saint nick fella that dropped coins through chimneys of poor people's houses, and that the entire costume thing was just made up to make things sound nicer.

[imaguitargod]

I always thought it was based on that saint nick fella that dropped coins through chimneys of poor people's houses, and that the entire costume thing was just made up to make things sound nicer.
That's another thing that people are usually fed as to the origins of Santa Claus, but to quote a very good article on the subject which basically is a short summerization of many articles that I have read on the subject:

"Saint Nicholas is a legendary figure who supposedly lived during the fourth Century. His cult spread quickly and Nicholas became the patron saint of many varied groups, including judges, pawnbrokers, criminals, merchants, sailors, bakers, travelers, the poor, and children.

Most religious historians agree that St Nicholas did not actually exist as a real person, and was instead a Christianized version of earlier Pagan gods. Nicholas' legends were mainly created out of stories about the Teutonic god called Hold Nickar, known as Poseidon to the Greeks. This powerful sea god was known to gallop through the sky during the winter solstice, granting boons to his worshippers below.

When the Catholic Church created the character of St Nicholas, they took his name from "Nickar" and gave him Poseidon's title of "the Sailor." There are thousands of churches named in St Nicholas' honor, most of which were converted from temples to Poseidon and Hold Nickar. (As the ancient pagan deities were demonized by the Christian church, Hold Nickar's name also became associated with Satan, known as "Old Nick!")

Local traditions were incorporated into the new Christian holidays to make them more acceptable to the new converts. To these early Christians, Saint Nicholas became a sort of "super-shaman" who was overlaid upon their own shamanic cultural practices. Many images of Saint Nicholas from these early times show him wearing red and white, or standing in front of a red background with white spots, the design of the amanita mushroom.

St Nicholas also adopted some of the qualities of the legendary "Grandmother Befana" from Italy, who filled children's stockings with gifts. Her shrine at Bari, Italy, became a shrine to St Nicholas."

EDIT- I know we're not supposed to discuss religin of sorts on this board so I'm sorry if I'm teadering on the fine line here and I don't mean to offend anyone.

[Sickmont]

How about that one on deep thoughts with jack handey where he tells his son he's taking him to disneyland and then drives him to an old burned out barn and says "oh no, it must've burned down last night" and then just laughs and laughs at his kid

ok, i found the actual thing he said online:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[cheezydemon]

Thank God you cleared that up Sickmont!;)

IGG, like I have said before :We can never really know anything for sure, and not every conspiracy is true.

Unfortunately the wealthy and the educated (and the victorious who have killed any other witnesses) write the written word that we take to be history.

I accept your theory as a theory.

That being said, can you line me up with some psilocybin filled fungus around Dec 22nd?







;)

[imaguitargod]

That being said, can you line me up with some psilocybin filled fungus around Dec 22nd?
Heck, let's go for X-Mas Day! That'll be what we'll have for Christmas dinner...a plate full of magic mushrooms!

[Philipperv]

Nothing worse than being a little 3 year old Jewish kid that thinks that Santa is real and you are still SOL. :( Felt a lot better when I found out it was all made up. :)

[LUCKYDOG]

HE'S MADE UP ??????? :shocked: :cry:

[cheezydemon]

That is too Funny Phil!!!

[Sickmont]

HE'S MADE UP ??????? :shocked: :cry:

Ummm...hate to break it to ya pal, but there's no Easter bunny either.....sorry

[LUCKYDOG]

THIS IS HORRIBLE - :crying: - what next the Tooth Fairy?
My glasses are streaking from the tears and the tape is getting loose

[rainbowberry]

I used to keep my teeth as a child and try it on with the parents every so often and put the same tooth back under the pillow whilst doing my best act of surprise that another one had fallen out. It worked until the 6 monthly dental check up.

[Omri]

Nothing worse than being a little 3 year old Jewish kid that thinks that Santa is real and you are still SOL. Felt a lot better when I found out it was all made up.
I can't remember myself thinking Santa is real, but ok.... ;)
At least Eliyahu (Elijah) is real, but all he does is drinking my wine. :( :lol:

[imaguitargod]

Ummm...hate to break it to ya pal, but there's no Easter bunny either.....sorry
No, there was and Easter bunny...but Rabbit here ate him a while back....

My glasses are streaking from the tears and the tape is getting loose
:lol: funny.

[LUCKYDOG]

At least Eliyahu (Elijah) is real, but all he does is drinking my wine. :( :lol:

:lol:

[Sickmont]

No, there was and Easter bunny...but Rabbit here ate him a while back....




Exactly. There's no easter bunny. I just didn't clarify it with "anymore".