Serious question about marriage, mine inparticular.

[Necrocannibal,]

Let me start off by saying I love my wife very much and have dedicated my life to her.


Now with that said I dont feel like Im getting the same back. When we first got together it almost broke up my entire family because she was seeing another family member who is really hot headed but I stuck it out with her. I am in worst financial scenario with her than without but I love her so Im still with her, we have been married for almost 2 years.

Now the root of this question lies in her friend(s) which she has seemed to take a liking to over me for the past few months. One in particular who I cant say anything about except she is a low life backstabbing POS and needs to be locked in a burning building.

Anyway she is a very bad influence on my wife, has single handidly kept her smoking when she was trying to quit, she has lied to her husband about a convo we had and told him I yelled at her and cursed more than anyone in her entire life causing a huge blowup between us reulting in friendship disbanment, has "peer pressured" my wife into meeting her for lunch and making sure she drinks enough to smell like an alcohol factory and is slurring when she returns for work ( my wife is one of those "cant say no" people ) and has tried to get my wife to snort crystal meth with her because she needs another junkie to ruin her life with.


Ok I flat out told my wife I dont ever want to see or hear her name again shes bad news. Well they cried until I agreed to let them go have dinner one night a week with each other, which they have gone against numerous times and my wife will call me and say she needs a friend, no she needs a fucking rehab and boot in the ass, and wants to go out more than the one night. Well here today I am sick home from work and Im waiting to eat lunch with my wife as she comes home from lunch and what call do I just receive?? You guessed it, shes going out to lunch with her friend.

So here I am sick and havent eaten all day waiting on my wife to eat with her and she calles me to hang with out with this POS. Am I wrong for being a tad pissed off and about to tell my wife to chose one or the other and cut my losses if Im not the one?? I mean it really looks like Im not.

[imaguitargod]

In all honesty, I would say call it quits. It's not with the agrivation, emotional suffering, financial distress. I've known alot of those same "I can't say no" people and they are always locked in that mode. You can't change/train them (believe me, I've tried to help one or two of them in my time, it just doesn't work).

Write a dear jane letter and leave. I sympothise for ya dude.

[JayT]

I'd have to agree, but maybe as a last resort let her read what you wrote here and it that doesn't make her see how serious this is to you, THEN go.

[Necrocannibal,]

Thx for the replies. I really dont want to leave her because I care more about her than myself but I feel like she cares about me when its convenient. She tells me she really loves me more than anyone shes ever loved before but deos it sound like she does to you honestly?? Maybe shes never really loved anyone so her "care" for me is nothing more than her enjoying my friendship moreso than anyone shes ever met?

Funny thing is is we never argued about anything until this siutation with this bitch arose and now we kind of argue every other day.


In all honest do I have a legitimate gripe with this? Am I being too much of an ass about it? Or does it look like how it feels and Im getting thrown to the side in favor of someone else?

[AlabamaJack]

Simply cut your losses and move on...life is too short to be unhappy....I was in the exact same situation many years ago with a live-in...it is really hard to do but if you love yourself, you have to move on...then one day, look back at this and laugh...JMO

[bowhunter]

I agree with all three of the guys and I hate to tell some one to leave there wife be cause it is against my beliefs. But brother if what you say is true do not let the door hit your ass on the way OUT.
Dan




LET IT BURN

[gardenkiller]

No you are not being an ass or making too much of it. Her "friend" puts her health and marriage in jeopardy.

Give her the ultimatum, her friend or you. Period.

[DevilDuck]

No ultimatums. They never work in your favor.

Once again, sit down with her and tell her your concerns and what you're seeing from your point of view. Also let her know that if things don't change, YOU will be the one making the change and she's not going to like it much.

[gardenkiller]

No ultimatums. They never work in your favor.

Once again, sit down with her and tell her your concerns and what you're seeing from your point of view. Also let her know that if things don't change, YOU will be the one making the change and she's not going to like it much.


Wow DD I like that. You should look at ousting Dr Phil and start up your own Dr Duck show.

[ring sting]

Hey Necro, I really feel for you dude. I am very cautious to offer advice on such a personal matter.

DD has a really good point. No ultimatums. I am studying a leadership course at the moment, and part of it is conflict resolution ( I need help in this area too). One suggestion is the "BCF" format, where you sit down and basically say:

"This <<behaviour>> is going to cause <<consequences>> and makes me feel <<feelings>>."
This is only one step of resolving conflict. Next, the other person must also put together a similar statement, and then both of you need to listen to each other, i mean really listen and comprehend what they are saying, and think of possible solutions, some of which will not be pleasant. Good relationships need excellent communication: open and non judgemental.
If you are planning this approach, make sure you are both sober, dont resort to name calling, keep the problem as the problem, dont attack the individual, and dont bring up ancient history.
Remember, it's the behaviour that you dont like, not your wife.

At some point, your wife's friend must realise, or be informed, calmly, of the damage her addiction is doing to others, and if she really does need a friend, then maybe that is why: she is driving everyone else away.

RS

[Canuk Pepperhead]

Yiou know my sisterinlaw has a secret life from her man she doesnt work but she pays for all the grocerys,diapers anything..he drives truck and his money is his....the foker wont give her one cent..I told her to piss up a rope when she asked us to co-sign for her because she keeps all these loans hidden from him..not to be a prick but what do you think is going to happen when she goes bankrupt and he finds out.....well shes with 2 kids..I dont need that..She was blown away I took a loan and bought my wife a new car..This fucker is so anal they go as a couple to a resturant she has to pay for her own and the kids.....Ive gone of track sorry lol had to vent but if communication cant fix it maby some councilling then walk away.Oh get her to loose the friend..It comes down to compramise(lol spelled wrong)Ive had to do alot to keep my relationship going like cut back in drinkin big time...its my family its worth it....ive gone from 18 beer a day to maby a 6 pack but then again its compermise and communication and my other half putting her foot down lol side freinds that bullshit that cause shit are a pain in the ass im glad my wife isnt that way but but I see it all the time..that point now im carrying on and listening to what im typing....try to get some counceling its like having a non related 3rd party that can judge both fare and square and give good advice

[imaguitargod]

Hey Necro, I really feel for you dude. I am very cautious to offer advice on such a personal matter.

DD has a really good point. No ultimatums. I am studying a leadership course at the moment, and part of it is conflict resolution ( I need help in this area too). One suggestion is the "BCF" format, where you sit down and basically say:

"This <<behaviour>> is going to cause <<consequences>> and makes me feel <<feelings>>."
This is only one step of resolving conflict. Next, the other person must also put together a similar statement, and then both of you need to listen to each other, i mean really listen and comprehend what they are saying, and think of possible solutions, some of which will not be pleasant. Good relationships need excellent communication: open and non judgemental.
If you are planning this approach, make sure you are both sober, dont resort to name calling, keep the problem as the problem, dont attack the individual, and dont bring up ancient history.
Remember, it's the behaviour that you dont like, not your wife.

At some point, your wife's friend must realise, or be informed, calmly, of the damage her addiction is doing to others, and if she really does need a friend, then maybe that is why: she is driving everyone else away.

RS

Very good words. This applies to a fair amount of situations but with people that have the "just can't say no complex" it won't do a lick of good. She'll agree to your side then trundle off and be pushed over by the mean "friend" and you'll be in the same situation.

[ring sting]

Yes, IGG, this method does work best with rational, motivated, and assertive (NOT aggressive) people. Passive people will fail in this method, perhaps because they lack the will to follow through with the solution. But, it is worth a try in the first instance.

[Canuk Pepperhead]

Try councilling and ditch the other psrty....that dont work tjen ditch her

[Omri]

First of all make sure you're happy. make sure you're living the life you want and deserve.
After that if you truly love her, try to help her with her problem. just make sure it doesn't come at the expense of you and your happiness.

Good luck.

[Philipperv]

I totally agree with Omri. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship at your own expense. It will never work out and you will be the one that suffers.

[fineexampl]

No chick is worth getting so upset that you have to write it up. If it's that bad, get rid of her. No chick is worth sacrificing my happiness, that's for sure.

[hixs]

man sorry to hear it.Went through it with my x.Had to determine if she was an asset or liability.Wasn`t bring anything positive into the house.Hard to do but the best choice I ever made.best wishes
Rich

[LUCKYDOG]

Uh... sounds like you two are not equally doin the same thing -- Sounds like you two have switched roles and you are the bitch.... Have you gone out with YOUR friends or do you sit and wait for her sometimes? whats good for the goose is good for the gander and maybe just maybe she can see it from your point of view ...and I certainly hope there isnt any children involved of yours. The first few years are the hardest in a marriage and its those times that will either make you stronger or make you bitter. Im sure she has already tried meth or whatever the "POS" has on her -- Hire a PI to follow her if there is doubts. Sounds like a young marriage I dont know your ages but it seems that she doesnt have her act together or giving what it takes to continue and you are willing to let it happen. Sometimes being a man is standing up to what you believe in and not giving in.

My .02 --

[Hot Canuck]

Cut your losses - dump and run. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more of your life you will have wasted.

[GrumpyBear]

geez, want a womans advice? don't dump and run, you guys aren't just dating, you're married and you clearly do love her. give her a chance to get better. don't say 'it's her or me', instead you need to say 'it's therapy or me'. (try and see a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist, psychiatrists just push drugs and don't talk)
there is a reason she can't let go of this destructive person, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you it means the POS has a hold on her cuz she's sick and the POS knows it and will milk it for all it's worth.
hold her hand and take her to therapy. with good therapy you'll start to see results in six weeks, if nothing changes in six weeks get a new therapist. every third or fourth session sit in on so you can tell her what she's doing to the relationship as well as herself, but don't talk about too much stuff outside of therapy (and do regain your own life seperate from her, as people have said). if after all of that you don't see her making the same effort you are then you dump and run.
you can't be in a healthy relationship unless you have your sh*t together, and (no offense to your wife) she's a mindf*ck right now from the sounds of it, that's what's poisoning this relationship not the POS (she's just a symptom, so is the debt probably). instead of giving her threats give her help, if after that things don't work then you really should leave. if you were just dating then you have no reasonable obligation to stand by this woman during this miserable time but you made a commitment (and on top of that you do love this woman). that won't keep you going forever, but that's worth six more weeks of this.

[Necrocannibal,]

Thanks everyone. I dont know what will transpire today because in a strange turn of events the "POS"s husband got fed up wit her BS and packed his shit and left. I told my wife to leave the malone for a while and let them work thier shit out.

[AlabamaJack]

have you ever heard the saying "if you run with the goats, you're gonna smell like them"?

[imaguitargod]

Like I awlays say, "Women, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em and disolve thair bones in battery acid"....oh dear...I've said too much.....

[DevilDuck]

I have to disagree with the therapy. I've never seen any good come of it. Seriously.

[Biscombe]

Go on holiday, get some space between the pair of you and the bitch, talk it out.........good luck

[rainbowberry]

I have to disagree with the therapy. I've never seen any good come of it. Seriously.

Well it will never work anyway unless both parties are willing to change things round. Your wife can be offered all the help and support in the world but unless she wants it and is ready for it will be a waste of time.

[Necrocannibal,]

Well it will never work anyway unless both parties are willing to change things round. Your wife can be offered all the help and support in the world but unless she wants it and is ready for it will be a waste of time.

Kind of like everyone helping her quit smoking, she didnt want to quity so it was a waste of time.

[GrumpyBear]

I have to disagree with the therapy. I've never seen any good come of it. Seriously.

you can't really force someone to change, you can only help them once they decide to change on their own. i've seen a lot of good come from therapy. seriously. but only for people who went into it ready to change.

[Philipperv]

you can't really force someone to change, you can only help them once they decide to change on their own. i've seen a lot of good come from therapy. seriously. but only for people who went into it ready to change.

I can see the logic in this. At the very least, no one can say that you didn't try everything to hold your marriage together.

[rabbit]

This is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. I honestly feel that's a decision that YOU have to make and it's no one else's. However, that being said this is definitely an unhealthy relationship. Since your married I wouldn't give up on it yet because marriage means something. HOWEVER, I've seen crap like this far to many times. You're going to have to eventually reach the point where you draw a line and she needs to know it. You can't make her change, and that choice is on HER. If you draw a line and she won't get help or make an effort to change the guilt is off of you if you leave. Why? Because it was her decision not to get help and she knew the consequences. My wife's was going through something similar with my mother-in-law just recently. Her mother has Alcholic Cardiomyapathy. In other words she drank so much that she weakened to heart to 15% of what her heart strength should be. Her mother nearly died, but was later recovering after CPR, a difibulator, and recovering in the hospital for over a week. Not only this, but they found out the reason she was hallucinating was because of alcohol withdrawls. She's lucky enough to make it and is told if she keeps drinking it's her death sentence. So what does she do? After a few weeks she's getting loaded everyday and will refuse to get help. This was tearing my wife apart because she felt like she could change her mother. It was actually starting to get involved in our relationship. I love my wife and my mother-in-law, but I had to point out that there's no way my wife should have to suffer because of her mothers piss poor decisions. My wife finally realized that she can't change her mother and it's just going to take her down with her. I hope she get's help, but her mother is on her own now. You're probably going to have to get to that conclusion eventually. Not give up on your wife, but realize that there's a point where she needs to get help. You can't make her do it, just bring up the line that's to be drawn. Also, besides this I feel for ya. I was in a crappy situation with my ex-wife several years ago. I actually didn't give up on her, but she drug me through the dirt, screwed around, and made my life a living hell. Sh*t one week after the divorce I was in Iraq. How's that for sucking!:shocked::lol: Now that I look back at it though I'm glad I'm not with her. The woman I'm with is the most amazing woman in the whole world. I wouldn't give up on your wife because I feel marriage means something. However, you need to be firm and draw a line. If she doesn't get help I feel the decision if you leave was actually hers by her inaction.